this is not easy for me

i think i just did took it one step too far. i'm ashamed of it all. it's not easy for me to admit this. most probably right too about being fucked up. i know what he is. he doesn't deserve this vulgar part of me i've kept from him and myself. i really tried. it takes all these time of keeping it in and try being a better person, but it takes one moment to break everything you worked so hard for. to go back in being that. i just broke. i'm not gonna blame it on being angry and the stress from possibly everything around, and i'm not gonna take it back as i know that's not ever gonna help with anything at this point. i've done this.

it really wasn't about the space. i did say i'll ease up. it's really not about that. i just snapped the moment i asked about something else and he talked down, ignored, and left me hanging. not that he will do it intentionally. maybe it was a build up of a few others too, i dunno. whatever it is, i got there and i did what i did. you made me thought about a lot of things i ignored and chose not to see when i was clouded. i'm still a little mad about things, but i agree that violence is not an answer or an outlet. i chose the easiest way to deal with it.

this was what i'm afraid of the most. i remember telling you once before. i'm afraid of me, and the person that i truly am inside. i just thank God that i didn't do anything i'd live to regret. i admit that this is my true colour. it's not about going public or an ego thing, because if it is, i wouldn't be writing this. actually in fact, i just showed the world of how fucked up i am. humiliating myself is certainly the fun way to go. believe me, it's really tearing me up inside. should have thought about things, but i didnt.

i'm not justifying neither am i apologizing. the best i could do is to give everyone some peace of mind. this really doesn't undo things neither does it say much to relieve both you and him the disappointment. it still leaves everyone feeling shitty.

i wish you both well too. i still do look up to him. i agree it's best we part ways. i've said my peace.